My “I” story

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me_in_front_of_pyramidI’ve written this because some of you may want to know a little bit more about me, this “I” that’s known as Lawrence living in human form.

I was born in Cairo and left at an early age (6-7 years old) to be raised near London, and then my immediate family moved to California in 1980. My dad is not religious and let me be free to explore my own spiritual path, while my mum was very religious and tried to teach me the ways of the Koran. As a young boy I instinctively knew not to buy into Islam (or any religion), and asked without receiving any satisfactory answers of why would God care if I prayed five times a day and ate pork or not. It just didn’t make any sense to me. I knew God was larger and different than what we try to portray in human religious terms. I’m sure because of my dad’s prodding to leave me alone, eventually my mum gave up trying to bring me into the muslim fold. Thank you dad for that. I don’t have anything against any religion, however, I feel that if I had practiced a religion, it would have taken me even longer to experience and know the truth of who I really am.

In the late 80’s and early 90’s I would ponder questions like Who are we?, What is the meaning of life?, What is God?, Who created God? etc. When I tried to think about those things, my mind would become baffled and it gave me no answers. It wasn’t until 1993 when my spiritual searching began, and when the suffering became too much and I stopped denying who I am, I finally awakened almost 22 years later (plus a few lifetimes). Yet, the journey it seems is just beginning.

Prior to 1993 I was a skeptic, ignorant of everything spiritual and knew nothing about energy. I thought the physical world was all there was, and you wouldn’t have been able to convince me otherwise. Slowly over time I had experiences that proved me wrong.

I didn’t want to acknowledge who I really was and the powers I have (that we all have). If you ever saw the 1998 movie Sphere (with Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson), you know that the characters were manifesting things almost instantly from what they thought (which was mostly negative). At the end of the movie, they decided to use that power to make themselves forget that they had this capability because it was too much and they couldn’t control their thoughts. I think that subconsciously I wanted to forget and not own who I really was because I felt not lovable and unworthy.

My spiritual search took me to many healers, workshops, firewalking, schools, reading many books, meditation, experiencing resistance, denial, shame, guilt, feelings of unworthy etc. My healing began when a wonderful girlfriend constantly asked me about my childhood. I kept replying with short answers and mostly stating it was a fine childhood. One day in 1993 while having lunch at an Indian restaurant in downtown Oakland, my girlfriend asked me again about my childhood. I got a bit annoyed with her that time and that sparked something in me. I don’t usually get angry, but all of a sudden the lost memory of me being sexually abused as a very young boy by a male family friend and neighbor came rushing back. The flood gates opened that day, and I’ve been healing ever since. Tons of painful emotional releases ensued over the years covering a wide range of trauma and [so called] past life issues. I see it now as basically healing the hard way. It was meant to happen exactly as it did so I understand and can help others heal their pain. But there’s an easier way to connect with that deep longing.

The more I thought I knew, the less I really knew. My internal structure was being systematically broken down, and I was basically shedding everything that no longer served a purpose. I had often repeated what I believe is a native American Indian prayer that went something like this “Oh God, hollow me out like the flute so you can play me.” For me, the prayer is about healing, letting go, so you can be in line with the divine will. I constantly prayed to the beloved that I would get to do what I came here for and to not let me fail.

I had always longed for an easy and peaceful life. The journey has taken me back home in the arms of the beloved, awareness, or no-thing if you prefer. Being awakened to me simply means that I now realize what the egoic mind does, that it doesn’t have any real power over me, and that opens up the space for experiencing who I truly am. I am not my ego, mind or body.

It would be my honor to help you try to experience who you truly are. The fact that you found me here is no coincidence, and probably means you’re ready. Is it your time to fill that deep longing for connection to your source, where nothing else really satisfies?

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